NEWS
NEWS
NEWS
Ratcutter is back!
You couldn’t shut your gob with fuckin’ Ratuctter this and damn Ratcutter that. Hey there, we shut down this Gazette for months and all our indentured workers went out there looking for him to bring him back here. And here he is. But the salary rise we had to agree with will be on you, so we have added a new form of funding in the form of a Patreon where we scam… I mean bleed… you know, we give our subscriptors cool things in exchange for their bullets. So that’s the deal, if you want this Gazette to keep going out, or even our beloved Scrapbridge Radio station, be a bloody patron.
Due to the increasingly alarming rate of fecal waters poisoning in the last weeks, it is now prohibited to shit into the water tanks without wiping your ass beforehand. People in the lower quarters is fed up with drinking chunky water. Except when they find the occasional crapnut, which are still intact and a really pleasant surprise to the mouth.
Ovarianess, our favorite feminist-amazonian settlement (there are at least other two of them, but chicks are uglier and we don’t like them), has been growing a huge prize pot of bullets for the one who manages to wake Prometheus up. One of the women from the village sneaked into the place where he is laying all knocked out and naked, and was utterly awed by his huge “intellect” and wants him to impregnate the whole settlement once he wakes up. But as speaking to him now is the same as doing so with a boulder, this humble writer suspects that the thing that shocked her so much is the unnatural shaft he has which resembles the arm of a kid holding an apple. But fuck yes, that’s somethin’ worth watching, gargantuan but with perfect proportions. I would huge it forever, kissing and licking it until it’s wet happy. Sooooo, as I was saying, those naughty bitches are always thinking about the same.
ANNOUNCEMENTS OF INTEREST
OR NOT, WHO KNOWS?
Anyone has one of those pointed hoods? I need it for the Ball-kicking Friday Parade (because they will let us out for that, right?). The whiter the better.
REF: Karl Konrad Krowen (KKK)
Bitten by an addler? We are raffling away a lot of experimental cures by leechcrab bleedings. To get in the draw, just send four empty cans of Mostachuelos, licked clean.
REF: SLUGS
NEWS OF THE MONTH
You might have heard already about the crazy ass infection of crabosaurs beyond the Shrine of the Watch, and that people had to stay at home to keep from fuckin’ each others on the streets.
But you wiped your ass with that. Well, now the infection has arrived to Scrapbridge and it is really fucked up. The Council has announced a quaranfine, which for dummies is you stay the fuck home and don’t get out unless you have to fetch something to eat. And above all, don’t get too comfy with anyone or event attempt to get laid. Chatting window to window at most.
Contrary to the usual crabosaurs, which are annoying but you learn to live and let live with them and even give names to the biggest ones, this new breed is yellower and can kill you in the spot if you are weaker than usual. People is beginning to call them ‘crabfucks’. According to the tales of a traveller back when all this started, at Samanthia they closed down the city a week ago and other settlements are more or less the same. Not in the Tex’co refinery, where Cunnilingus said that if you get these crabfucks you better continue working at the wells because he’s not stopping pumpin’ the Black Blood from the Earth. Rumours go that they don’t suffer this plague asd much, because their heads is not the only body part they shave clean and these little fuckers slide off.
So ye all be warned, stay at home or whatever you call the smelly hut you live in. I want to be able to go out to Titjob again to mind my usual business, because it’s hard for me to get anything done for free.
