NEWS
NEWS
NEWS
Right, we have reached number 69 of this Gazette and, knowing how original you can get, we expect you to flood us with all kinds of dirty jokes and stupid wordplays because you think you are funny as fuck. Really? Don’t you already know the kind of people writing this shit month after month? Don’t you realize that, for them, all issues are like number 69? Do you really think assholes you can beat their regular “poo poo pee pee” comedy standard? That’s right. Here, a medal for you, fuckers. Take two, in case you lose the first one.
Knowing the bunch of them this news does not come as a surprise, but it seems the time has already come. The Communist Harmony And Obedience Settlement, more known as CHAOS, has suffered so many splitoffs and desertions that now each and every citizen officially has their own party/group/syndicate/union/ whatever. Each of the dwellers feels utterly offended for the rest not to agree at 100% with their opinions about the settlement and has decided that they are the purest version of the CHAOS ideals. In meetings to come they will decide what to do now, although the most feasible (wow, now, that’s a fancy word) outcome will be each one to found their own individual settlement. Joining forces with those that only share 99% of their ideals with you, to be stronger together, would be crazy. What are we now? Fuckin’ progressists?
Do you remember that story about the guy that showed up around here loaded with radiation? We hope you do, because we wrote about it just a couple of numbers ago, and if you don’t, we are beginning to wonder what the fuck we are doing here. To the point. Thing is that, if we hadn’t had enought before with all this Amok shit, several settlements south of here have been reported as lost to radiation. Sure, this is the Wasteland and no doubt this is not the safest place to live, but those settlements had been safe for many years. We recommend everyone to stay away from those places unless they want to be in great risk of… well, risk of dying, motherfuckers. Worst of all, there are many rumors that this is not due to natural causes, but the work of some new bunch of wackos running wild. People are beginning to call them… the Irradiated.
ANNOUNCEMENTS OF INTEREST
OR NOT, WHO KNOWS?
Tarot and clairvoyance cabinet “The blindass”. 23% of proven efficiency.
REF: Lolo
Make-up for free. I paint your blushers open-handed.
REF: Manoplas
NEWS OF THE MONTH
We hadn’t heard from the famous Testicular Gangers in a long time. You remember them, those macho men with ball so big they couldn’t put their legs together, much less walk in a straight line, so they had to be put on bigger-than-normal bases (whatever the fuck this means). Well, it seems theses Testicular guys are growing and expanding big time their territories and many people are reporting in about them these last two months.
Apart from needing more room to move than a regular human being, let me be clear about this, due to the operating range of their huge-ass dangling jewels (you have to see ‘em to believe ‘em, those poor fuckers can’t even sleep properly due to the size of those things), now they also seem to be imposing new rules on those settlements they conquer.
Among the strange things they seem to pull out of nowhere just to annoy others, it’s this new fad of not measuring shit like the rest of us. Yep, you heard that right. They say measuring in centimeters, or even regular inches, is for lame-ass sissies, and that they don’t abide by that shit. So, using their oversized attributes as the new Tables of law (and that’s a powerful Law, I warn you) they just made up a new measuring system with drawings and stupid names for measurements. So now a short-ranged weapon will be a Cock-boy Jordi, another one reaching up to medium range is called a Nacho Vidal ranged weapon and those firing at great distances are called Mongolongo ranged weapons. Can you believe this shit? Jordi, Nacho and Mongo are their new measurement units, and the ones they are now trying to impose on their lands. Jesus-fucking-Christ.
I respect that you think of yourself as a big boy, an all buffed up sex-machine big bad wolf motherfucker, ruling your territories with an iron hand in a spiked glove, but for fucks sake, dude, calm down the tone a little bit with measures, bro. The rest of us can’t keep up the pace of this shit and our heads will hurt from brain calculations to figure out what your stupid symbols stand for. What will be next? Measuring with triangles, squares and circles? Eat my ass, sunshines!
