Greetings, Merkas:
Merkadome’s illustrious Pest Control department publishes the latest study of their CCCP (Condensed Compendium of Pest Control), in which they warn you of the goodness and dangers of the creatures that inhabit our beloved settlement. With all the bullets it costs us to get the three little guys in the department to do something useful… Then don’t say you weren’t warned!
Ilustre Departamento de Control de plagas de Merkadome. Calleja de los meaos, junto a la puerta verde (la del fondo, no la otra)
Agente Aurelio “Seis Ojos”. Coordinador adjunto.
Agente “Brusca” Betty. Adjunta coordinadora.
Agente Lao “el Insufrible. Adjuntador coordinado.
What he looks like and where he hangs out
Man… I swear man, I’m not making shit up, Agent Lao has been on the streets a lot and he’s seen shit that only cool people like Agent Lao can handle… Shit that gets deep into your brain… The Scrotters, man, the fucking Scrotters, I’m not making shit up, Lao’s word… Lao is me, dammit! Well I tell you… But this is hultraconferential… Top secret… Capichi?
This shit is making my hair stand on end, so get with it, okay? Rumour has it that these two-legged creatures have magically, or some shitty budu shit, taken on a life of their own from radioactive tumours. They detach themselves from the stiff they belonged to when it was still cool… Just when their hosts are fucked up, they resurface, resurface, resurface? No, that word has to be wrong… Rechuflan! Yes, they rejoin life as little hamorphic beings full of malice, maliciousness and a desire to touch the balls. They live in herds or gangs in the darkest and deepest areas, where the shit, rubbish and waste generated by the incessant life of Merkadome abounds. But when the night comes… oh man… when the night comes, they venture into the inhabited areas and make a mess of things out of sheer motherfuckery and bastardry.
These little buggers are small beings (the size of a rabbit, a jamster or even smaller) that are basically fat, fucking flabby, shapeless little balls of flesh (they wouldn’t look good in a bikini, if you know what I mean) and very similar to a half-shaved ball. With sickly little hands and arms, and three-fingered claws. A huge, perverted, smiling mouth, which takes up almost the entire upper part of her body (it’s hard to tell where her pussy starts and her asshole ends… a ball, really) and some red to furry pink eyeholes that glow fucking brightly in the dark.
Elusive as bastards (despite their amorphous form… hamorphous?) when you see them out of the corner of your eye they’re gone by the next glance. They’re as soft as chicken shit, but they’re also as slippery as their motherfuckers and always come up with more.
What it does
They’re dedicated to fucking people over, plain and simple… the motherfuckers; From stealing your underpants, unloading your bullet gun and putting hard dunks in their place (one of their most famous Christmas presents), leaving weird sex vice magazines on your bedside table, moving your stuff around, eating the inside of your sandwich and putting it back in its place so you only eat stale bread, eating the inside of your sandwich and putting it back in its place so you only eat stale bread, eating the inside of your sandwich and putting it back in its place so you only eat stale bread, eat the inside of your sandwich and put it back so you only eat stale bread, paint penises on your armour or dirty words on the sign of your brand new business, put all those hard-earned action figures in fucking postures… And a long list of motherfuckers, and always when you’re not looking…
His favourite is to wait for you to rub yourself and whisper in your ear very quietly and very humidly: You’re a shit eater… And disappear when you wake up with the potato about to come out of your fucking mouth and not knowing what the fuck has happened. The list of his putadas is long and extensive.
How to hunt it
How do you whisk these bastards away with a shovel and a lot of luck? With a shotgun? Chances are you’ll wreck your own keli or kill your neighbour… If they get mad at you… Ah man… You’re screwed, they’re gonna make your life a living hell.
But the good people of our great city, always see the commercial opportunity among the fattest shit and as a result a whole parameño folklore has been created within the hurbanita society of Merkadome (what fucking fancy words I use boss!).
That if they are magical beings, that they fuck up your life because you’ve done something dirty to someone or that an enemy has cast an evil eye on you and you’ll have a bad jinx until you die… And of course, all this shit comes hand in hand with their consequent business-scam to remove them and that they’re all worth a fucking fortune: That if you catch one, your tits or dick will grow, but nobody says so, because if you try it, it means you have a tiny dick… That if you eat a fresh shredder’s nugget while they visit you at night, you’ll be a successful guy with money, but what are you going to risk dying in a horrible way if I can sell it to you for 100 fucking bullets… Come on, some sons of bitches even to give you good luck. *** Translated with www.DeepL.com/Translator (free version) ***
If you see movement out of the corner of your eye, start hearing children’s ditties on your leisurely strolls through the service tunnels or your soup just tastes too much like spit and piss… Arm yourself with patience and a big shotgun (not much use, a shovel is better… or commit suicide) because they are a fucking pest.
Agent Lao “the Insufferable”, The fucking FAKER of the CCCP of Merkadome. XO XO
Annex-1:
Agent Lao, Please, this is a report that can save future lives, don’t transcribe it as if it were a damn bar talk, watch your spelling and your nickname is not corresponding to your designation as an officer, we don’t call you “the Insufferable” for nothing good… Believe me.
Yours sincerely:
Agent Aurelio, Merkadome Pest Control Office.
Annex to that:
But didn’t insufferable mean he had a dick the size of a barrel? I think so… I’ve asked around… I’ve got a lot of street on top, old man.
I’m sorry too Agent Lao from next to you… our tables are next to each other man… XO XO
