Description
A buttlicker’s appearance isn’t exactly its strong suit, although it’s also true that since they’re usually behind your back, you don’t really care. It has brownish fur, uglier than a cockrat in a tracksuit. For some reason I don’t understand, because they’re not particularly useful to it, it has three eyes, usually quite large, which makes it look a bit silly. Its body is more ape-shaped than my Aunt Gertrud when she’s doing the conga line after a few too many drinks, with long arms ending in enormous hands that it usually has on the floor. But what makes them truly special is their enormous tongue, a color between pink and violet depending on the specimen, which they use expertly to lick the remains of other creatures’ asses. Also, unlike the tongues of many animals, it’s not just like sandpaper, it’s the softest and most pleasant thing that could ever touch your ass.
Habitat
Now, imagine you’re in the most unusual place you can think of. Yes, the same place where even the plants have thorns and give you the creeps. Oh, you don’t need to imagine it, because it’s anywhere in the fucking Wasteland and you live there. Well, that’s how vast their habitat is, since they basically live wherever they can find a food source. If you see one, you know there’s more to the air than just air.
Behavior
Wondering what this creature does in its daily life? Let me tell you. The asslicker holds the honorable title of “Official Ass Cleaner of the Wasteland.” I mean, the name already gave a clue. They’re like those loyal friends who hold your head when you throw up after a good one, but they’re downright ugly and have three eyes… well, that could also be your friend. To be more specific, they feed on the remains of shit left in your ass after you defecate. Now, if they like excrement, why don’t they just gobble up what’s already on the ground? And there’s a lot more of it, too. I have no fucking idea. There must be something in assholes that only allows them to eat what’s stuck there.
Of course, since not even the most despicable creature likes having its ass full of tarzanets, having a butt-licker is highly, highly appreciated. The interesting thing about these creatures is that they’re not at all common. Therefore, the beasts of the Wasteland are scrambling to have one at their service, defending it tooth and nail, since other critters are likely to want to slurp it up. And the butt-licker is delighted, knowing not only that it has food at hand, but that the stronger its food source, the safer it will be. So in the end, it’s a win-win. Look, these things where neither species is a parasite of the other and both benefit are actually called mutualism. But first, it’s too much information for your little brains, and second, I’m unable to say it without rhyming. The thing is, there’s nothing like having a butt-licker to lick your sorrows.
Uses
Do you really need to tell anyone? You get one of these creatures to leave your ass squeaky clean and your life cleaner than my cousin Estivi’s work record. And they pay a fortune for them, because as I’ve already told you, there are few of them and they’re usually in the hands of the most dangerous creatures in the Wasteland. But keep in mind that earning a bunch of bullets is cool, but having to take one of these creatures away from a dismemberer might not be worth it.
One egg hanging and the other the same, I had to say it.
