“Someone did something somewhere”
Unofficial motto of HamAzone
Description
Welcome to HamAzone, your favourite meeting place!
Everything you need, everything you want, everything you ever dreamed of owning is just a few bullets away in our HamAzone shop!!!
Place your order and if we don’t have it in stock we’ll deliver it to your home! We also buy selected items: If you are a handyman or you are good at making things, we can give you a way out!!!
Taste the best Ham and Sauerkraut this side of the rift at the HamAzone Canteen while you hire skilled labor with HamElink, your favorite mercenary network. Satisfaction guaranteed throughout the HamAzone area.
And if after shopping, eating and contracting you fancy a bit of fun, you can gamble in the Scummdome, and for a small fee you can even take part in the prestigious Scumm league and win fabulous prizes and gift vouchers at HamAzone.
Don’t wait any longer, HamAzone will meet all your expectations, as long as you can afford them!!!!
Masca
The spokesman is usually Hamibal, or failing that, Corneja, if Hamibal is busy on a mission.
Hamibal: The official Masca and member of the first mercenary squad (El Ekipo Ham). He is rarely to be found in HamAzone, preferring instead to leave the tedious bureaucracy and dealing with the rest of the Mascas to Corneja while he goes on missions to search for items of interest or doing intelligence work. Hamibal always says that a good working environment is essential for good business, and has made it one of his mottos. The other (unofficial) motto is discretion about other people’s work or secrets. No whistleblower, and certainly no one who airs the ins and outs of either the company or their employers, lasts long in their job. As a result, they all tell anecdotes and jokes, but when asked about “sensitive” subjects they are elusive and sometimes brusque.
Other personalities
There are several famous mercenary gangs, and being an open-minded place, there are many interesting characters. Almost all of them drop into the canteen, or make sure that someone in the canteen knows where to find them.
Tekipo Ham: Consists of Hamibal himself, Rope “Lono” Hartigan, a mute gang member with a bolted-on steel jaw who is the group’s face-splitter, Ironwolf, a scrap metal expert with a privileged eye for finding treasure, and “Marduk”, an extraordinary mutard who gradually became the team’s vehicle/home. Communicating through Lono Hartigan’s Parrot.
The band was formed quite a few years ago, and used to advertise in various places and cities, even a budding legend was formed around them, fostered of course by themselves:
“A long time ago, some of the most dangerous Basques in Páramo were screwed by a scheme they hadn’t been part of. It didn’t take long for them to get out of jail where they were being harassed. Today, overwhelmed by that gang, they make a living as hired thugs. If you screw up and catch them, maybe they can help you out. The Ekipo Ham! “
With advertising that blended epicness and rebellion against the powerful, they managed to earn enough to get their fill of jobs, and over time, they attracted other mercenaries. Acting as a recruiting agency, they ensured they continued to expand both their legend and their profits, until they decided to settle down and look for the best place to operate without too many complications while selling everything they found and making some extra money.
Crow: Hamíbal’s twin. He runs the Cantina and manages hiring and missions. Cheerful and boisterous, he usually rewards good stories with beer, and he often pays for rounds on the house. His Ham with Sauerkraut is quite famous, and the recipe is possibly the best-kept secret in all of HamAzone. He ensures that the products are local and varies the recipe to mark some celebration (on HamAzone Day, for example). His direct employees are known for being (like almost all bartenders in history) part-time psychologists, and many of them vent by telling them their troubles and misadventures.
Einherjes: HamAzone Manager (Shop). This former gang member has absolute control of the HamAzone shop. She’s possibly the only one who knows what’s really in the hangars, and where to find it. A fair but demanding haggler, she only shows her goodwill to HamAzone employees and is especially well-liked by the mercenaries, who regularly bring her gifts from their missions abroad. She rewards them by making sure that “her boys” never leave on a mission without being properly equipped and provisioned. It’s rumored that she has a relationship with Hamíbal, but the same is also rumored with Corneja, which leads to another great eternal debate in the cantina.
Kanufi: The Leader of the ScummDome. Legendary champion of several competitions, including the spitting competition and the insult competition. Now also the Shopper in the Cartmaggedon League. She holds the position of leader because those who tried were so overwhelmingly humiliated that no one has tried again for quite some time. She has a horrible character in public, although in private, she comes across as relatively funny and party-loving.
Main locations
HamAzone: 70% of the staff is dedicated to supplying HamAzone itself. The store’s leader, Einherjes, always boasts about the quantity and, above all, variety of items that can be purchased at her establishment. The store occupies most of the gang’s hangars and warehouses, and there are always staff on the lookout for possible thefts and infiltrations. Those in charge of security are the brothers Klaatu, Verada, and Nikto, true face-breakers who run security ruthlessly.
If someone wants something, they should go to Einherjes and negotiate the price with her. She will send someone to look for it in the warehouse, and if there isn’t one, she will organize a gang to acquire it. No one outside the warehouse enters, which after years of accumulating things seems like a veritable labyrinth full of traps, shortcuts, and creatures that only the three brothers’ subordinates seem to know. There are hundreds of rumors (mostly encouraged by HamAzone) about thieves who entered the warehouse and never came out, their belongings and even their flesh being sold as merchandise.
The Cantina: The nerve center of the Department. All employees come here at least twice a day (if not on missions) to eat, gossip, and remain available for missions. It has two entrances (one from the loading and unloading hangars, for employees only) and the main entrance, which leads to the rest of the mall and is accessible to everyone. There is no security at the entrance or strict rules, because who in their right mind would start a fight in a mercenary bar? All users are expected to maintain a cordial atmosphere for their own good, although all HamAzone employees are also expected to assist in “policing” duties when someone crosses the line.
A drink called Beer is served, the origin of which no one questions anymore (although it is the subject of heated debate). It’s not very strong, but it is quite refreshing. And above all, the Sauerkraut with Ham, the only dish on the menu to which other ingredients are occasionally added depending on the cook’s mood. It turns out to be a very complete meal (most people have been eating it exclusively for years, and all seem to be in relatively good health). When used as a poultice, it heals and prevents infections in wounds and is also a miraculous cure for hangovers, making it very popular both inside and outside of HamAzone.
HamElink: The crews meet in the cantina to accept assignments, and there are several gangs specialized in different services, such as convoy security, organizing the convoy itself, collecting/delivering messages or packages to any location, acquiring various materials (from animals or some of their parts to specific pieces of equipment), intelligence both external and internal and occasionally as trackers/bounty hunters, although the latter depends on the objective and the decision of the brothers. They try to completely avoid missions that have to do with aggression, and missions that provide defense are only for caravans that have to move outside of MercaDome.
ScummDome: At one end of the venue is a rather robust amphitheater, which seems to be packed with people at any time of day. In the center is a rectangular track with many parallel lines every foot or so, and at the end, a target shaped like a medieval stocks. After Cartmaggedon, HamAzone’s favorite sport is spitting contests.
There are two types of shoots. The supreme throw, where the maximum length of the spit is measured, and the bud throw, where competitors try to hit the center of the target where (like a trap) they’ve placed the head of a worthy bud, earning different points depending on how close they get. The head is worth 10 points, the hands 5, the yellow circle around the hands and head 2, and the red one outside, 1 point.
HamApedia: Someone had the brilliant idea of gathering all the maps, plans, and directions used by employees on their outings and creating a sort of database that could be available to the entire company. The idea was immediately so well received that the information was expanded with a bestiary, a contact list for other settlements, and even people willing to teach in exchange for a few bullets. This section is not open to the public (in principle).
Resources
HamElink: Mainly outdoor services, such as setting up and protecting caravans, getting items from elsewhere, transport between settlements, occasional industrial espionage and intelligence gathering from further afield. They also provide for HamAzone.
La Cantina: Provides a drink called beer (it’s not, but it tastes good) and sauerkraut with ham.
HamAzone: The shop itself, there are lots of items, parts, even bugs and plants from the wasteland. Everything is bought and sold in HamAzone.
