Description
Look, when you bump into the idiot observer, your mouth is more crooked than its damn jaw. It’s a human-sized creature, with two long arms that look like they came from some really bad genetics. It could carry its hands to yoga class without stretching them. Each arm ends in three fingers that look like they were designed to give you the “fuck you.” And that jaw, man. It looks like it was made by a drunken tooth puller, with deformed teeth that look like they came out of a child’s game. And you can’t miss the drool hanging down like my cousin Francis’s drool when he’s trying to flirt.
But what really shocks you is that it has a single orange eye that’s more conspicuous than a dismemberment device at a wedding. The pupil is the only one who didn’t dare to come to the party and stayed home. Imagine an eye that looks like an orange hole the size of a watermelon, with no pupil or anything, just the orange nectar as if it were high on alien acid. And, of course, all this gives the creature a bizarre appearance that’s mind-blowing.
Habitat
You can find this creature anywhere. But the amazing thing is that it doesn’t go away; it seems to be paying an invisible rent or something. Like those weird guys you see in the middle of the busiest streets, you can’t tell if they’re freaking out about the scenery or scanning you to sell you some junk. But the idiot observer is more into staying put than an octopus in a dive. He doesn’t bother to catch you or go somewhere else. There he stays, like my grandmother on the couch, watching and doing nothing.
Behavior
Look, this thing isn’t going to bite you or chase you. It’s as calm as a game of dominoes in a retirement home. The watcher is a fucking lazy bastard. His favorite hobby is standing still, staring at you with those big eyes, like, “Let’s see if you’re interesting or I’m leaving.” He’s not going to bite you, he’s not going to follow you, he’s just going to be like, “You’re so interesting, dude.” It’s like he’s wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses at night; all he’s missing is some coffee. But the craziest thing is that he seems to have a sixth sense for coolness. He’ll stand in front of something that makes you think, “Holy crap, this is cool.” He thinks he’s the fucking guru of interesting things. They say if you stand still like a woodchuck and don’t bother him, the watcher will eventually point something cool at you. Then, boom, he vanishes like the sun has just risen after a night of partying.
Now, I have no fucking idea how they survive. You don’t see them eat, sleep, or fuck. Some say they feed off of snooping. And although I’ve never been able to see more than one at a time, some claim to have seen three pointing at each other like the meme on graffiti in Puentechatarra.
Uses
Actually, the idiot watcher is a total nobody. He’s good for nothing, not as a pet or for making a barbecue. He just points out interesting things and goes wild. The most you can get out of him is a sort of “hey, look at that” gesture and that’s it. But at least he’s not too much of a pain in the ass, and above all, he doesn’t want to eat you. Why would you want a idiot watcher? I have no fucking idea, but there he is, the laziest, most voyeuristic creature in the Wasteland.
